Old-Time-Radio Programs in English
Comedy
Enjoy a daily episode of the following old comedy programs at the H4 header(s) following the list of programs:
Abbott And Costello
Amos And Andy
An Evening With Groucho
Andrew Sisters
Andy Griffith
Archie Andrews
Bill Cosby
Bing Crosby
Blondie And Dagwood
Bob Hope
Burns And Allen
Command Performance
Father Knows Best
Jack Benny
Jimmy Durante
Mail Call
Milton Berle
Red Skelton
The Dean Martin Jerry Lewis Show
The Jack Paar Show
Voice Of The Army
Detective
We have daily episodes of the following detective programs:
Adventures By Morse
Boston Blackie
Calling All Cars
Charlie Chan
Dick Tracy
Dragnet
Hercule Poirot
Let George Do It
Nero Wolfe
Nick Carter Master Detective
Perry Mason
Philip Marlowe
Police Headquarters
Sam Spade
Secrets Of Scotland Yard
Sherlock Holmes Basil Rathbone
Sherlock Holmes Smurfmeat
That Hammer Guy
The Falcon
Drama
Daily episodes of the following programs:
Academy Award Theater
Authors Playhouse
Buck Rogers
Campbell Playhouse
Cavalcade Of America
Encore Theater
Family Theater
Father Coughlin
Ford Theatre Of The Air
Hancocks Half Hour
Horatio Hornblower
Humphrey Bogart
Magic Island
Mercury Theater- Orson Welles On The Air2
N B C University Theatre
Paul Harvey The Rest Of The Story
Philco Radio Time
Radio City Playhouse
Readers Digest
Tarzan
The Shadow Of Fu Man Chu
Words At War
History
Daily episodes of the following history programs:
A F R S
Armed Forced Vietnam
Mr. President
Soldiers Of The Press
Voices History
Winston Churchill
World War I I Broadcasts
You Are There
news01
Mystery
The following great mystery programs:
Black Museum
Cloak And Dagger
Counterspy
Dangerous Assignment
Ellery Queen
Incredible But True
Molle Mystery Theatre
Mr. And Mrs. North
Murder At Midnight
Ripley's Believe It Or Not
Secret Agent K7
Spy Catcher
The Saint Vincent Price
The Shadow
The Whistler
This Is Your F B I
Top Secret
True Detective Mysteries
Western
Daily episodes of the outstanding western programs:
Cisco Kid
Fort Laramie
Gene Autry
Gunsmoke
Have Gun Will Travel
Hopalong Cassidy
Roy Rogers
Smiley Burnette
Tales Of The Texas Rangers
The Lone Ranger
The Tom Mix Ralston Straightshooters
Wild Bill Hickock
Joke of the Day
From: Dennis
Sent: Sunday, March 10, 2019 9:02 PM
To: Dennis
Subject: FW: Now there is only 7 Days for the Wearing of the Green!
Attachments: 3 An Irish Medley.mp3
-----Original Message-----
From: Dennis [mailto:navy1vet@optonline.net]
Sent: Sunday, March 10, 2019 8:57 PM
Subject: Now there is only 7 Days for the Wearing of the Green!
ERROR ON MY PART!!!!!
With my last Irish email. 8 Days to the Wearing of the Green, I made an error about Bill from PA being
not Irish. Read below on what he emailed me.
"Except I am Irish me nana came from county Waterford her name was Helen Pendergast and I’m
named after her brother William who lived next door to her in Brooklyn just wanted you to know twas
me fathers mother"
$$$$$$$
Thanks to the Rev. Dennis from PA for these!
five frogs sat on a log. Four decided to jump off. How many frogs were left?
Five. Why? Because there's a difference between deciding and doing!
~Irish proverb
Come on, let's all celebrate Irish ingenuity. For Example, did you know it was an Irishman who invented
the Toilet seat? Hmmmm, Then a stupid Englishman put a hole in it.
1~
My brother Marty sent, an Irishman's first drink with his son!
IRISHMAN'S FIRST DRINK WITH HIS SON:
While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I
took me son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.
I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got him a Kilkenny's.
He didn't like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager.
He didn't like it.
I drank it.
I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's.
Nope!
In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland 's finest.
He wouldn't even smell it.
What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push his stroller back
home!!!
~2`
Mike that DNY/FL snowbird sent a bunch of clean Irish humor!
ERROR ON MY PART!!!!!
With my last Irish email. 8 Days to the Wearing of the Green, I made an error about Bill from PA being
not Irish. Read below on what he emailed me.
"Except I am Irish me nana came from county Waterford her name was Helen Pendergast and I’m
named after her brother William who lived next door to her in Brooklyn just wanted you to know twas
me fathers mother"
$$$$$$$
Thanks to the Rev. Dennis from PA for these!
five frogs sat on a log. Four decided to jump off. How many frogs were left?
Five. Why? Because there's a difference between deciding and doing!
~Irish proverb
Come on, let's all celebrate Irish ingenuity. For Example, did you know it was an Irishman who invented
the Toilet seat? Hmmmm, Then a stupid Englishman put a hole in it.
1~
My brother Marty sent, an Irishman's first drink with his son!
IRISHMAN'S FIRST DRINK WITH HIS SON:
While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I
took me son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.
I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got him a Kilkenny's.
He didn't like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager.
He didn't like it.
I drank it.
I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's.
Nope!
In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland 's finest.
He wouldn't even smell it.
What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push his stroller back
home!!!
~2`
Mike that NY/FL snowbird sent a bunch of clean Irish humor!
Irish clean
Three Irishmen are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water.
A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, guys, I'd like
to see your fishing licenses."
"We don't have any." replied the first Irishman.
"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden.
"But officer," replied the second Irishman, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our
lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the
end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you
want." And with that, the Game Warden left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three Irishmen started laughing hysterically. "What a
dumb Fish Cop," the third Irishman said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead in
this river?!"
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may
I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's me husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda.... There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery..."
"Oh Me God, no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone.. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible thing, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness
Stout and drowned."
Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he
at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda... no."
"No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room,
drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better
if you bought one at a time."
"The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia,
and I'm in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days
we drank together. So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for me self."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and
drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and
fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on
your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's
just fine," He explains, "it's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected me brothers though."
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found
themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to
the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he
died."
Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here' a fella that got to be 145!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy. Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see
what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims,"Miles from Dublin."
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, Of course,
his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," the cop says, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop. standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few
intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Mary Clancy goes to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary, my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father...."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...."
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I
can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can
hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar on this very night. Can you believe it, I
graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
The bartender walks over shaking his head and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the
Murphy twins are drunk again."
?
There's a guy from Ireland driving through Europe and an English guy driving in the opposite direction. In
the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go
flying off in different directions.
The Irish fella manages to climb out of his car and survey the damages. He looks at his twisted car and
says, "Jaysus, I am really lucky to be alive!"
Likewise, the Englishman scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, "I
can't believe I survived this wreck!"
The Englishman walks over to the Irishman and says, "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we
should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of such rivals".
The Irishman thinks for a moment and says:
"You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends.
Now I'm gonna see what else survived the wreck".
So, the Irishman pops open his trunk and finds a full-unopened bottle of Paddy Powers Irish Whiskey.
He says to the English fella,
The Englishman says, "You're damn right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down the Irish
Whiskey. After putting away nearly half the bottle, the Englishman hands it back to the Irish fella and
says, "Your turn!".
The Irish fella twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show up".
CAVAN LOTTO.
A young man from County Cavan called Ciaran, finds himself in dire trouble. His farm has gone bust and
he's in serious financial trouble.
He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the Church and begins to pray...........
"God, please help me, I've lost my Farm and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as
well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Ciaran goes back to the
Church.....................
God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my farm, my house and I'm going to lose my tractor as well".
Lotto night comes and Ciaran still has no luck!! Back to the Church.................
"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my Farm, my house, my tractor and my wife and 17
children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why
won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???".
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Ciaran is confronted by the voice of
GOD himself:
"Ciaran, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A F*CKING TICKET"
?
The Seventh Day
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Gabriel the
archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look
Gabriel, look what I've made."
Archangel Gabriel looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet", replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great
place of balance".
"Balance?" inquired Gabriel, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of
great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will
be a hot spot full of religious maniacs."
"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God
continued, pointing to different countries. And over there, I call this place America. North America will
be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, hot and friendly. And the little spot in
the middle is Central America, which is another hot spot full of madmen. Can you see the balance?"
"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by God's work, and then he pointed to a small country in Northern
Europe, "What's that one?"
"Ah" said God. "That's Scotland, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful snow capped
mountains, untouched rivers, streams and lochs of exquisite, timeless beauty. The people make a drink
called Uisce Beatha or Whisky, which means "The Water of life". The people are good looking, intelligent
and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-
working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as warriors, engineers,
inventors and pioneers."
Gabriel gasped in wonder and admiration but then objected "You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the b*stards I'm putting next to them!"
?
An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.The doctor, after a lengthy
examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for your, You have
cancer, and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order"
O'Malley was shocked and saddened. But, being of solid character, he managed to compose himself
and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room.
To his son who had been waiting, O'Malley said, "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good,
and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer. Let's
head for the pub and have a few pints." After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber.
There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old
friends who asked what
the two were celebrating. O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went
on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I have been
diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left,
O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying
from cancer?
You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"
O'Malley said " I don't want any of them sleeping with your mom!. “
?
Subject: IRISH WAR
Irish at war with Saddam
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, Mr. Hussein!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo,
Ireland. I am ringing to inform ya that we are officially declaring war on ya!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is me self, me cousin Sean, me next door
neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my
command."
"Begorra!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to
acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and
14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to
1-1/2 million since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to ya."
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get
ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and
four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10,000
bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air
missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring ya back."
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you
that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no way we can
feed two million prisoners."
?
?
While we were traveling through Ireland we found ourselves in a predicament being both thirsty and
broke, so we looked for a wake near by. We entered the home and found the liquor flowing. I told my
buddy that we should be paying our respects. He stumbled over to the piano and hung his head. When I
joined him he said what a beautiful smile he had. I said look again, there’s a scattering of black teeth
there. Then we were directed upstairs to where the departed was laying on the floor. I asked the widow
why he was on the floor. She said they needed the table for the food. I said if we had three chairs we
could put one under his head, one under his feet and one under his ars. She said that’s a good idea. She
then called down stairs and asked “Give me for 3 chairs for me husband”. The response came back Hip,
Hip Hooray Hip, Hip Hooray Hip, Hip Hooray The widow said that she didn’t know if she was going to
have her husband buried or cremated. I said that she should have him stuffed so the party could go on.
Subject: A Tender Story
Sarah Finkle
A little old woman calling Mt Sinai Hospital says, "Hello darling. I'd like to talk to the person who gives
information regarding your patients. I want to know if the patient is getting better, or doing like
expected, or is getting worse.
"Do you know the patient's name and room number ?"
"Yes, darling. She is Sarah Finkle in room 302."
"Oh yes. Mrs. Finkle is doing very well. In fact, she's had 2 full meals, blood pressure is fine, blood work
is normal and she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a few hours and if she continues to
improve. Dr.Cohen will send her home Tuesday afternoon."
"Thank God! That's wonderful! That's fantastic news, darling!"
"From your enthusiasm I take it you must be a close family member or close friend."
"I am Sarah Finkle in room 302 AND Dr.Cohen doesn't tell me shit!"
?
An Englishman, a Welshman and an Irishman were at the fair and about to go on the helter-skelter when
an old crone steps in front of them.
"This is a magic ride," she says. "You will land in whatever you shout out on the way down."
"I'm game for this," says the Welshman and slides down the helter-skelter shouting "GOLD!" at the top
of his voice. Sure enough, when he hit the bottom he found himself surrounded by thousands of pounds
worth of gold coins.
The Englishman goes next and shouts "SILVER!" at the top of his voice.
At the bottom he lands in more silver coinage than he can carry.
The Irishman goes last and, launching himself from the top of the slide shouts "WEEEEEEE!"
?
What is out in the lawn all summer and is IRISH ??
PADDY O'FUNITURE!!!!
?
Two young Irish lads, just having debarked a steamer from Ireland to the Boston Harbor in Boston,
Massachusets, are walking off the dock when the oldest one named Mike suggests to his younger friend
Shawn they should stop and get a bite to eat.
"Fine it is with me Mike," Shawn is enthusiastic as he looks around at all the wonderful newness
around him, "but have ye a wee idea of where that shall be?"
Mike, who is as new to his environment as his friend Shawn,doesn't want to appear to ignorant to his
friend Shawn, spies an eating place with a big plastic sombrero above the door, points and says,
"That looks like a likely place Shawn!
Lets be going in there!"
The two Irishmen enter the restaurant, which happens to be a Mom and Pop place of the Mexican
variety. They sat down and as the place seemed to be quite busy, they see they'll be there awhile
before they're served, but this doesn't bother them as they're enjoying looking around at the
strangeness about them. Mike is the first one to notice a bowl of corn chips on the table along with a
bowl of what looks like green relish. He speaks to his companion,
"Well there Shawn, and what do you think this is on the table, a small appetizer while we wait?"
Shawn, who is getting hungry from the smells coming from the kitchen, reaches for a corn chip, dips it
into the relish and announces before he pops it into his mouth, "I'll just check it out Mike."
As he chews, Shawn's eyes begin to water and tears begin running down his face, but he keeps right on
chewing, and his friend Mike notices his tears and asks, "Shawn! What is it bothering you boy-o? Why
are the tears running down your cheeks?"
Shawn, who doesn't want his older friend to miss the pleasure he'd just had, said in a tearful voice,
"Well Mike, I was just thinking of my poor old Granda. You know the one I speak of? The one that was
caught by the Brits and hung at Killarney." Shawn cleared his throat and went on. "You should try some
of this Mike. Its really marvelous stuff it is!"
Without further ado, Mike takes a corn chip and swathes up a big scoop on the end of his chip and
pops it into his mouth and begins chewing. His eyes began watering, and the first thing Shawn noticed
were the tears running down his friend's face. "Why Mike," Shawn acted surprised, "what could be
bothering you? Are you feeling sad about something too?"
Mike, the tears streaming down his face by this time, remarked with true feeling, "Well Shawn, as a
matter of fact I am. I was thinking about your dear old Grandda too, and how nice it would be if you
were hanging up there beside yer dear ol' Grandoh right now!"
?
As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright
young girl named Mary shook the dust of Ireland off
her shoes and made her way to New York where before
long, she became a successful performer in show
business . Eventually she returned to her home town
for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession
in the church which she had always attended as a
child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized
her and began asking her about her work. She explained
that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to
know what that meant. She said she would be happy to
show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She
stepped out of the confessional and within sight of
Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels,
leaping splits, handsprings and backflips. Kneeling
near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two
middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Mary's acrobatics
with wide eyes, and one said to the other, "Jaysus,
Mary &Joseph, will you just look at the penance Father
Sullivan is givin' out tonight, and me without me
bloomers on!"
?
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K.Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his
cheeks.
An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?" the employee asked.
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The State trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor
of the car. He says,
“Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
?
There was a Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia
Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a
train going through Tasmania.
Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as
it was an old style train, there were no lights
in the carriages and it went completely dark.
Then there was this kissing noise and the sound
of a really loud slap. When the train came out
of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman
were sitting as if nothing had happened and the
Englishman had his hand against his face as he
had been slapped there.
The Englishman was thinking: 'The Irishman
must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed
him and slapped me instead.'
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella
must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the
Irishman and got slapped for it.'
And the Irishman was thinking: 'This is great. The
next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make
another kissing noise and slap that English bastard
again.'
?
The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be
drink. "
"Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober."
Shamrock
His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.
JOHNNY COME LATELY -- INDEED!
Dad, why do they make such a production of St. Patrick's Day
When the Irish are really Johnny Come Latelys to the USA?
They didn't arrive until about eighteen forty-eight,
After Eire's potato crop failed and they had to emigrate.
They had no choice, it was leave home or die of starvation,
So they came in steerage by the thousands to our nation.
Son, obviously what your history books fail to say,
Is, the Irish have been around forever and a day.
When Columbus first landed on the shores of our land,
Patrick McGuire was the first to make footsteps on the sand.
And when you scan the roster of the Santa Maria's crew,
You find many, many more Gaelic names on that list too.
Half of the soldiers in the Colonial Army were born in Ireland,
Many Murphys, 230 O'Briens, 872 Kellys, were in Washington's command.
Eleven of his Generals had fighting Irish blood in their veins,
John Barry, our first Commodore controlled the sea lanes.
Washington himself belonged to the Friendly Sons of St. Patrick,
He knew the British and the Hessians, The Irish Brigade would lick.
Now, run your eye down the signers of the Declaration of Independence,
Thornton, Wilson, Taylor and Smith were born Irish, thanks to
Providence.
McKean, Read and Rutledge were of pure Gaelic parentage, Whipple and Hancock had Irish mothers,
Lynch and Carroll, Celtic lineage.
The first Continental Congress addressed Ireland in the year 1775,
To say that thanks to the help of the Gaels, America would survive.
An ancient leprechaun told me one soft summer day in Kildare,
That Paul Revere never would have made it without his fine mare.
She was an Irish hunter from Lismore by the.name of Shamrock,
With great stamina and grand conformation from withers to fetlock.
She hated tyranny, the Crown and the tangled webs they spun,
So she ran like a whistling wind from River Charles to Lexington.
So, Son, I see nothing wrong in a big celebration on March seventeen,
With all our nationalities, waving and wearing the green.
Let McNamara lead his band, let Clancy lower the boom,
Let the thunder of marching feet wake Cromwell in his tomb.
For if it wasn't for the help of the clans from the Irish Sea,
America might not be the home of the brave and the land of the free.
Author Unknown
?
Paddy the famous Irishman is driving home after downing a few at the local pub. He turns a corner and
much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid it and almost too late
realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path.
He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to
veer from side to side to avoid all the trees.
Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop.
The officer, approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing.
Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid sentence and says . . .
"Fer Chris sakes, Paddy, that's yer air freshener!"
?
Paddy O' Leary had spent the eve drinking at the local tavern. He knew he had a long walk home, so
though he was a wee tipsy, he recalled a shortcut through the town's cemetery. Paddy staggered 'round
the graves, but lost his footing and fell into a hole dug for a burial the following day. He passed out when
he hit bottom.
Upon awakening the next morn, Paddy stood up and realized
where he was-- and promptly shouted "Glory Be to GOD! 'Tis
the Resurrection Day-- and I'm the first one up!"
?
Seamus do you understand French, I do if its spoken in Irish
One night I was chatting with my Mum about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to
the last. She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years: "When your oldest sister coughed or
sneezed, I called the ambulance. When your youngest brother swallowed a penny, I just told him it was
coming out of his allowance."
Q: What is black and blue and found floating up
sidedown in the Irish sea?
A: Someone who's tells a stupid Irish joke
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to
heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do
you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then
Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said,"Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to
heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and
selling it.
At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.
"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all
those years," he told the priest.
"I understand my son," says the priest.
"Can you make a Novena?"
O'Toole said,
"Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."
Paddy was in New York.
He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.
The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted,
"Okay, pedestrians."
Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said,
"Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that
he had died.
He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher.
"They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Mrs. Murphy is looking for the grave of her late husband
(a notorious criminal) as it has been a while since she was there. She goes to the cemetery's
management office and says,
"I am looking for my husbands grave."
"Ok madam", says the director. "What was his name?"
"John Murphy," she answers.
He looks through his large book for quite a time and says "sorry there are no John Murphy's in our
cemetery, nothing but one Mary Murphy."
The woman brightens up and says,
"Of course that's it; everything was in my name."
Definition of an Irish husband:
He hasn't kissed his wife for 20 years, but he will kill any man who
does.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often
among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy
opponent.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an
Irishman a question, he answers with another question?"
"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why are Irish jokes so simple?
A. So the English can understand them.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and
announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in
the vase on the mantle piece?"
"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til 2 o'clock in
the morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" he said.
"Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"
"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your
wife's appearance?"
"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Father Guffy roared from the pulpit to his parishioners: "The drink has
killed millions-- it rots their stomachs and they die in agony.
Smoking
has killed millions--it coats your lungs and you die in
agony. Overeating and consorting with loose women have also killed millions..."
"Scuse me, Father," hollered Reagan from the back, "but what is it that
kills the people who live right?
?
THE NUN AND THE CABBIE
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't
Stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I
have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I
Am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask
that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy what it would be like to kiss a nun."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that, but first:
#1. You have to be single and...
#2. You must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm
an Irish Catholic too!
OK" the nun says "Pull into the next alley"
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a
hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm
married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a
Halloween party."
?
Here is the other side of nothing!
Thought of the Day
If we ever forget that we're one nation under GOD, then we will be a nation gone under.'
-Ronald Reagan
